Humor

Humor

>
> The wealthy wife of a very successful businessman went to
> the portrait artist for her first sitting. The portrait,
> a gift for her husband.
>
> She explained to the artist what she wanted: "You should
> paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them on
> your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my
> arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all
> stay...
>
> BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds and
> emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of
> gold and diamonds. Do you understand?"
>
> The artist looked at her in earnest and asked why she should
> want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but
> adorn herself with jewelry she did not own...
>
> She replied: "I am not well. When I die my husband will re-marry.
> The new wife, she should go crazy looking for the jewels."

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his
lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived,
they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the
preacher held out his hand and motioned for them to sit on each side of
the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled,
and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the banker and lawyer were
touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him
during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never
given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them.
They both remembered his long, uncomfortable sermons about greed,
covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their
seats.
Finally, the banker asked, Preacher, why did you ask us to come? The old
preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died
between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.

So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was
overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes
later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?

THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY?
The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle, dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.
The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.

Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.
The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street, accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
Now THAT'S a bad day...

Humor for inclusion here is gladly accepted and indeed solicited.

Charles A. Buckman, CSS, CEI

vertical transportation consultant